Two months have come and gone since we lost our little one. As the holidays get closer, I find that I am more teary again. I know this is completely normal. I just didn't think I would still be so emotionally affected 2 months later. I mean I didn't birth my baby, I didn't hold him/her, I didn't even select a name. For some reason I feel like those who lost babies later in pregnancy have more of a right and a reason to grieve. My baby hardly even resembled a human 'baby' more like a baby dinosaur. But I did love him/her with all my being. I planned for his/her birth and our lives to come. I was overjoyed having him/her alive inside me and I was crushed when she/he died.
Justin and I put a bid on a town house the other day. I think this is part of what's been making me emotional. Beyond the stresses of taking the plunge from renting to buying, are the dreams I had for our first home, dreams of setting up a nursery, dreams of bringing our new baby from the hospital to our new home. Now it will just be us, a married couple with no children and a dog. This isn't how I expected or wanted life to be in November 2010. I expected and wanted to be 5 months pregnant.
I signed up for the gift exchange for baby loss mamas on faces of loss I am really looking forward to honoring someone else's baby and maybe making their holiday a little less lonely. Maybe it will make me feel a little less lonely too.