Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Trying to live life without obsessing over TTC

It's been quite a little while since my last post. Basically there isn't much new info. STILL waiting for my betas to hit zero. They are at 3 this week...good but not zero.  I basically feel like the last 6.5 weeks of my life have been completely consumed with betas and when we can ttc again. I had what I think was a period two weeks ago but my OB isn't so sure, since my betas were at 10 then.  I also got a + opk 3 days ago, which I was ELATED by but then no thermal shift, which has pushed me into the pits again :(  So from all that I've read and googled (which is TONS of info, some reputable, some probably not) it seems like I'm likely not ovulating this month. As far as I know that was never a problem before. We weren't actively ttc when I got pregnant last so although I monitored my bbt's, etc. it was always half-assed. Now I'm a NUT about monitoring every single sign and symptom and J thinks I've nearly lost my mind! I agree! But I'm gonna keep it up. I want to get to know my body more than ever now. I'm just praying I'm not going to encounter any problems with ovulation, etc. I'm praying this month is a fluke-still recovering from the m/c and maybe affected by my betas not being at zero yet (but hopefully they will be soon).

Anywho, I do have moments of sanity, they are moments mind you.  Most of my thoughts are still about babies and getting my body in order. I live for my 4pm OPK and my 7am BBT...who woulda ever thought??! What a strange and mysterious world I've entered. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. That God has a bigger plan for me and that I will be a momma to a living baby someday. If I didn't keep that hope and it didn't propel me forward, well I don't know where I'd be.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

pity party

My betas are 10. So disappointing. They're going down so slowly. I can't express how desperately I want to get back to a normal cycle.  Both to put an end to the miscarriage as well as to mark the beginning of the future and of chances for getting pregnant again.  I've been hyprvigilant to every little happening in my body, almost moreso than during the pregnancy, watching and waiting for any signs of ovulation or menstruation... but it's been a big ole NADA as in "nope, nothing, zilch, zero." 

Today is one month. It's no wonder I've been feeling sad and disappointed this week... I've been thinking about the baby more in the past few days, crying on and off again, and feeling incredibly empty and lonely. I really miss being pregnant, knowing life is growing inside of me, life that J and I made and were so in love with. Now, I was physically miserable during weeks 6-12 of my pregnancy, with violent 'morning sickness' that lasted 14 hours a day.  I never thought I would say I 'miss' being pregnant. But as many of us who have lost babies know, we would give anything to have given birth to a healthy infant. Violent puking, check!  My left arm, check!  Laid down my life, double check!  I just miss that baby so bad!  And who knows how long it will be before we can ttc with my body returning to baseline slow as molasses...

I've been obsessed with pregnant women lately. Obsessed as in, I want to look, I want to be happy but all I can think about is how I'm NOT pregnant, how my belly will never reach that roundness, how incredibly envious I am. I've been throwing lots of pity parties for myself.  I wanted to be pregnant at my best friend's wedding next week, pregnant at halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Pregnant when I go to visit my family at New Year's...I wanted to announce my big belly to my parents and give them "I love my grandma" and "I love my grandpa" items. Ugh. Sometims it all just feels like too much.

I got the raise I was hoping for today. It was a lot higher than expected, which was a very pleasant surprise (I'm in the human service field, it's not that high!).  But all I can think about is how if I was pregnant, this money would be put toward the baby and the baby's future. Now it will probably go towards household items (and savings of course), blah!   I just don't feel as happy about it as I should. The thought of buying anything or even taking a vacation or something just seems so trivial and meaningless. J says I should feel really proud but I don't. I just feel sad and disappointed that there's no baby in my belly and will be none for the forseeable future. That's where I'm at. Still.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


I can't believe it's been almost a month since we lost the baby. On one hand it feels like it happened yesterday and on the other it feels like time is creeping along. Time feels slowest when waiting for my body to get back to 'normal'.  My betas this week were 16, not as low as I had hoped, but declining nonetheless.  I'll do another bloodtest Monday. The doctor said I could just take a pregnancy test~ it should show up as negative if it's down to zero...but I really don't feel comfortable with that for 2 reasons 1) I want to know the exact number (because I'm super anal) and 2) I want to reserve pregnancy tests for when I am actually trying to get pregnant, not getting over a miscarriage : (  

My feelings right now are really mixed between anticipation and fear, anticipation that we're getting closer to being able to TTC again and fear that we'll have a hard time getting pregnant and/or go through another miscarriage. I just can't imagine going through this again. I know so many women in the pregnancy loss community have had more than one miscarriage and they are so strong and resilient, I just don't think I'm cut from that cloth...

This week has been a much better week for J and me, thankfully.  I think part of it has to do with my hormones settling down.  Also, he's been really busy with school work so that's forced me to be busy too (or at least try to busy myself with something, even if it's a 'Teen Mom' marathon!).

I put my story up on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope this week and I emailed an article suggestion to the D&C (ironically, the initials of my local newspaper) regarding October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.  It makes me feel better to be doing something related to our miscarriage, other than crying or yelling...

Sunday, October 3, 2010


So, the weekend's been long. I usually really really really look forward to and enjoy the weekends but since we lost the baby the more time J and I have spent together, the more we argue...this weekend was no differen, I'm sad to say. We're trying, really we are but right now we're falling into some bad habits. I think we really do need some independent time to just do what each of us needs withoiut pressure to talk. Especially since most of the 'talking' is about heavy stuff these days, or turns that way quickly.  I also know that I've been more anxious/obsessive about EVERYTHING and that wears on him rather quickly...so I'm really trying to not ask the same question 3 times and just quiet the obsessiveness in my brain. 

I had some good news on Friday, after calling for 2.5 days, I finally got my lab results from my doc.  My hcg was 35! Which was down from 73 the week before! Thanks be to God!!! I'm going in either mon or tues this week to check again, I'm hoping for single digits but, we'll see... Also tested negative for autoimmune and thyroid irregularities. So...right now I'm waiting to get back into a (hopefully) normal cycle again.

On a different but related note...I brought up adoption to J this morning.  He's willing to consider it but not until we go a little further on this journey...I think I'm so nervous about another m/c that I feel like I need to puruse other possibilities at the same time. I've always wanted to adopt in addition to having biological children so why put it off??