Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

2 months

Two months have come and gone since we lost our little one. As the holidays get closer, I find that I am more teary again. I know this is completely normal.  I just didn't think I would still be so emotionally affected 2 months later. I mean I didn't birth my baby, I didn't hold him/her, I didn't even select a name. For some reason I feel like those who lost babies later in pregnancy have more of a right and a reason to grieve. My baby hardly even resembled a human 'baby' more like a baby dinosaur. But I did love him/her with all my being. I planned for his/her birth and our lives to come. I was overjoyed having him/her alive inside me and I was crushed when she/he died.

 Justin and I put a bid on a town house the other day. I think this is part of what's been making me emotional. Beyond the stresses of taking the plunge from renting to buying, are the dreams I had for our first home, dreams of setting up a nursery, dreams of bringing our new baby from the hospital to our new home. Now it will just be us, a married couple with no children and a dog. This isn't how I expected or wanted life to be in November 2010. I expected and wanted to be 5 months pregnant.

I signed up for the gift exchange for baby loss mamas on faces of loss I am really looking forward to honoring someone else's baby and maybe making their holiday a little less lonely. Maybe it will make me feel a little less lonely too.


  1. Hi there :) You can go to the Heaven's Doves blog and fill out the form on the page this takes you too :) When you hit submit it goes straight to me!
    Sorry for your sadness. It's hard for me over 9 months later after losing Riley and over 3 months later after losing Peyton :) Thanks for saying you like the names :) We choose to name them a couple months ago... I wanted to have names for my babies I loved so very much! Glad we connected in our small corner of the world :)

  2. It's been over two years since my 12 week loss and I still feel the pain frequently. Life tossed in a gigantic helping of infertility to put some salt in the would though but I truly wonder if I would think about that little one any less if there were a baby in our lives already. I hope that every passing day brings you a small amount of healing.

  3. I also feel the pain and loss more around the holidays, it is especially hard. It is jus tso hard seeing nephews, neices, cousins, children everywhere when that is all you want and pray for. You are not alone, just remember that, it certainly helps me...

  4. Sometimes I wish I knew if the baby I lost was a boy or girl, had given it a name, could say "i miss x"... instead of just silently crying for our angel baby, our lost little one.

    But it does get better. Eventually. Slowly, it gets a little... duller around the edges.

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

  5. I found your blog on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I am very sorry for your loss. I too lost my baby, Lily Katherine, who was stillborn at fullterm on March 16, 2010. Although I wish nobody else had to know this pain, it's good to know I'm not alone and there are people who "get it." I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well: www.roseandherlily.blogspot.com

    Blessings, Hannah Rose