stand still

UGH! The last week or so has been such a waiting game .  So I finally got all my results today. I found out  my hcg is 73, SEVENTY THREE!  And the ultrasound showed nada, no tissue...wtf??!! Sooooo, I'll likely have to have a D & C after all this time, since there's gotta be something in there...even if it's teeny tiny. At this rate, she said if we wait for it to go down on its own, it could take many weeks...no thanks.  Another extremely unsettling discovery is that the lab results from the fetal tissue show NO fetal tissue-that's right folks-in fact their write up states that it was a tubal pregnancy...time for another WTF!!???   My doc is scratching her head as much as I am...we know there was a fetus, we saw it -twice- and heard the heart beat.  There is no possibility it was tubal so where the heck did the fetus go?? Oh it makes me really ill if I think about it too long.  I'm chalking it up to lab error otherwise it would drive me insane.  So now I'm waiting (again) for the results of today's hcg. I also convinced my doc to check my thyroid and ALA d/t family history.  But of course they won't do any real workups unless I have a second m/c.  I got to ask her my extremly long list of questions...which was somewhat helpful but, then again it just increased my, already high, anxiety.

How am I supposed to start to feel better, feel some semblance of normalcy when my life is continually turned upside down. Here I was hoping for a clean bill of health and once again, it's delayed. And, not only that, but there are so many unanswered questions. The major one being, "Why is my body reacting this way? Why why why?? ".

On a lighter/brighter note, I found out i am likely getting a raise at work next month since they did market research and found out some of us are being under paid.  Not that I really care about money right now... I told Justin I am going to put it towards an adoption/fertility fund since the pessimist in me is convinced we have a long hard road ahead of us in trying to conceive and birth a living healthy baby.

Let's see what tomorrow brings...

dragging

Ugh! I was so anxiety ridden this morning that I totally forgot to drink my 36 oz. of h2o before my ultrasound. Does it really matter all that much anyway??    I arrived on time and, just as suspected, had a 20 minute wait with 3 gorgeous pregnant bellies and a HUGE family waiting for the birth of the newest member (was it really necessary for ultrasound to share a waiting room with "labor & delivery"?).  I tried to keep myself busy texting my sweet husband about my agony- "tons of pregs, can't take it, want to die"- was the jist of it. 

So the tech not only found what looked like retained "tissue" or a blood clot in my uterus but also an "abnormal" right ovary. WOW! LUCKY ME! How in the world do I continue to end up in the <4% chance  category?!  The little hope I had of being healthy, of having a healthy next pregnancy/baby, is really starting to dwindle...the odds are just not in my favor. Of coure on top of receiving this news, my doctor is not in until Monday so I won't know what the plan is until then. I did talk to the NP today who basically just confirmed that there was "something" in my uterus (although she did say my ovaries BOTH look normal) and that I may or may not have to do a D&C or induce me again with meds and that my doc will call Monday. WTF! So tired of this. Can they just scan my entire body and find out everything that might be wrong-then systematically test/treat each area. It would be so much nicer to have all the info at once...rather than this roller coaster ride.

 Oh, and drinking all that water pre-u/s~I asked the tech and she said it doesn't matter so much when you're not pregnant b/c they'll always do an internal too.  I will gladly drink Niagara Falls next time I'm pregnant if it'll help. 

transitions

Today was my first day back to work. It was not easy. Not at all. It was so 'not easy' that I didn't make it there until noon, not 8am like I was supposed to. But, I did make it there afterall. I knew it was going to be a BIG hurdle, going back to work.  Not just because of the mental demands of attentiveness, productivity,  and interacting with others on a professional level...but also going somewhere I hadn't been since before. The last time I walked those halls I still held a baby in my belly. The last time I walked those halls I was happy. I would have never guessed my life would be flipped upside down in an instant.  I was just starting to tell all of my co-workes the big news. We were talking baby showers and pediatricians. Justin and I were the couple who was supposed to be happy; newlyweds,  married just 6 short months ago.  Today everyone looked at me with those eyes. Those eyes full of pity, uncertain what to say or do for fear of making me crumble.  Some hugged me, some smiled wearily from 20 feet away, some said nothing at all, pretending I was the exact same person I was a week ago.  I was most thankful for those that said nothing at all. 

I am not the same person. I will never be the same. I will never ever look at a baby the same way I used to. I will never feel the same when I hear the news that someone is pregnant.  I will always think how fragile life is, how fragile happiness is. I will always think of my angel baby.

Part of what makes recovery so difficult is the physical uncertainty I've been dealing with. On Friday my doctor sent me to emergency for the abdominal cramping and soreness I was having.  They assessed me and discharged me with percoset and instructions to call my doc if I get a temp over 100.4. Today, I'm still having cramping so I called the Dr. and asked for an ultrasound...scheduled it for Thurs a.m. I'm hoping everything has passed so I don't need further intervention. I just want to be able to heal. As it is, I'm paranoid that I'm getting an infection. I want tests. sonograms, labs, exams. I want to be told that either there's something wrong with me (that can be fixed) or that I'm perfectly healthy. I don't want to be in this health limbo. I am not a patient person. I can't 'focus on other things'. I need answers and I need them NOW.  But, I will wait. restlessly.

I'm new to this...and I hate it.

I'm new to this. To blogging, to writing about my feelings, to sharing things with an unknown number of people. If you know me, you know I'm shy. I have a select group of friends who REALLY know me. And even they know that sometimes I retreat inside my shell.  I'm new to being a part of the miscarriage/pregnancy loss club. I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I hate being a part of a club that I never even really knew existed. It's a club with a lot of wonderfully kind and compassionate and honest members but I still don't want to be a part of it. I never dreamed I would be a part of it.  Yet here I am, it's newest member; kicking and screaming.

We lost our precious baby on September 13, 2010. One week tomorrow.  I was exactly 13 weeks pregnant. It was a Monday. It was 2pm. There was no heartbeat.  Life will never be the same. I haven't yet been able to go more than an hour without crying, regardless of where I am; home, restaurant, church, doesn't matter. There's never a shortage of tears. There's never a shortage of sadness. I loved that baby, I love that baby. I would have easily and without question given my life so that my baby could live. If only I'd had the option.

Right now, I'm feeling disgust. Disgusted with myself for having felt so unabashedly happy to be pregnant. Disgusted that I could be so naive and selfish as to think that I was immune to devastation. Disgusted with my body for not being able to keep my baby alive. Disgusted with my body for not knowing my baby had died...how could I have been violently ill with morning sickness for 4 weeks after my baby died!?  Disgusted with my doctor for not giving me an ultrasound at 10 weeks when they didn't find a heartbeat on the doppler. Disgusted that I had to carry my dead baby for 4 and a half weeks without knowing it. Disgusted that I had to go through the pains of labor to deliver my lifeless baby and then had to take her remains to the lab, not the grave. Disgusted that right now my husband is watching football instead of crying about our baby like I am.   Disgusted that everyone can go on to live normal lives when my baby is dead.

And yet, despite all the agony, the heartache, the anger, the disgust... I am also so thankful. Thankful that I was given the gift of creating and carrying life, even if for a short while.  Thankful to discover that I can love so profoundly. Thankful to be a mother, even if it is to an angel baby, and to know that motherhood is every bit as wonderful as I imagined. Thankful that I have such an incredibly strong, loving and supportive husband (who also would have been an amazing daddy).  Thankful that I have been blessed with so many loving and caring friends and family who have said and done 'all the right things'. Despite all of my pain, despite suffering an unimaginable loss...I know I am still fortunate.