transitions

Today was my first day back to work. It was not easy. Not at all. It was so 'not easy' that I didn't make it there until noon, not 8am like I was supposed to. But, I did make it there afterall. I knew it was going to be a BIG hurdle, going back to work.  Not just because of the mental demands of attentiveness, productivity,  and interacting with others on a professional level...but also going somewhere I hadn't been since before. The last time I walked those halls I still held a baby in my belly. The last time I walked those halls I was happy. I would have never guessed my life would be flipped upside down in an instant.  I was just starting to tell all of my co-workes the big news. We were talking baby showers and pediatricians. Justin and I were the couple who was supposed to be happy; newlyweds,  married just 6 short months ago.  Today everyone looked at me with those eyes. Those eyes full of pity, uncertain what to say or do for fear of making me crumble.  Some hugged me, some smiled wearily from 20 feet away, some said nothing at all, pretending I was the exact same person I was a week ago.  I was most thankful for those that said nothing at all. 

I am not the same person. I will never be the same. I will never ever look at a baby the same way I used to. I will never feel the same when I hear the news that someone is pregnant.  I will always think how fragile life is, how fragile happiness is. I will always think of my angel baby.

Part of what makes recovery so difficult is the physical uncertainty I've been dealing with. On Friday my doctor sent me to emergency for the abdominal cramping and soreness I was having.  They assessed me and discharged me with percoset and instructions to call my doc if I get a temp over 100.4. Today, I'm still having cramping so I called the Dr. and asked for an ultrasound...scheduled it for Thurs a.m. I'm hoping everything has passed so I don't need further intervention. I just want to be able to heal. As it is, I'm paranoid that I'm getting an infection. I want tests. sonograms, labs, exams. I want to be told that either there's something wrong with me (that can be fixed) or that I'm perfectly healthy. I don't want to be in this health limbo. I am not a patient person. I can't 'focus on other things'. I need answers and I need them NOW.  But, I will wait. restlessly.