Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

stand still

UGH! The last week or so has been such a waiting game .  So I finally got all my results today. I found out  my hcg is 73, SEVENTY THREE!  And the ultrasound showed nada, no tissue...wtf??!! Sooooo, I'll likely have to have a D & C after all this time, since there's gotta be something in there...even if it's teeny tiny. At this rate, she said if we wait for it to go down on its own, it could take many weeks...no thanks.  Another extremely unsettling discovery is that the lab results from the fetal tissue show NO fetal tissue-that's right folks-in fact their write up states that it was a tubal pregnancy...time for another WTF!!???   My doc is scratching her head as much as I am...we know there was a fetus, we saw it -twice- and heard the heart beat.  There is no possibility it was tubal so where the heck did the fetus go?? Oh it makes me really ill if I think about it too long.  I'm chalking it up to lab error otherwise it would drive me insane.  So now I'm waiting (again) for the results of today's hcg. I also convinced my doc to check my thyroid and ALA d/t family history.  But of course they won't do any real workups unless I have a second m/c.  I got to ask her my extremly long list of questions...which was somewhat helpful but, then again it just increased my, already high, anxiety.

How am I supposed to start to feel better, feel some semblance of normalcy when my life is continually turned upside down. Here I was hoping for a clean bill of health and once again, it's delayed. And, not only that, but there are so many unanswered questions. The major one being, "Why is my body reacting this way? Why why why?? ".

On a lighter/brighter note, I found out i am likely getting a raise at work next month since they did market research and found out some of us are being under paid.  Not that I really care about money right now... I told Justin I am going to put it towards an adoption/fertility fund since the pessimist in me is convinced we have a long hard road ahead of us in trying to conceive and birth a living healthy baby.

Let's see what tomorrow brings...

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