Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

pity party

My betas are 10. So disappointing. They're going down so slowly. I can't express how desperately I want to get back to a normal cycle.  Both to put an end to the miscarriage as well as to mark the beginning of the future and of chances for getting pregnant again.  I've been hyprvigilant to every little happening in my body, almost moreso than during the pregnancy, watching and waiting for any signs of ovulation or menstruation... but it's been a big ole NADA as in "nope, nothing, zilch, zero." 

Today is one month. It's no wonder I've been feeling sad and disappointed this week... I've been thinking about the baby more in the past few days, crying on and off again, and feeling incredibly empty and lonely. I really miss being pregnant, knowing life is growing inside of me, life that J and I made and were so in love with. Now, I was physically miserable during weeks 6-12 of my pregnancy, with violent 'morning sickness' that lasted 14 hours a day.  I never thought I would say I 'miss' being pregnant. But as many of us who have lost babies know, we would give anything to have given birth to a healthy infant. Violent puking, check!  My left arm, check!  Laid down my life, double check!  I just miss that baby so bad!  And who knows how long it will be before we can ttc with my body returning to baseline slow as molasses...

I've been obsessed with pregnant women lately. Obsessed as in, I want to look, I want to be happy but all I can think about is how I'm NOT pregnant, how my belly will never reach that roundness, how incredibly envious I am. I've been throwing lots of pity parties for myself.  I wanted to be pregnant at my best friend's wedding next week, pregnant at halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Pregnant when I go to visit my family at New Year's...I wanted to announce my big belly to my parents and give them "I love my grandma" and "I love my grandpa" items. Ugh. Sometims it all just feels like too much.

I got the raise I was hoping for today. It was a lot higher than expected, which was a very pleasant surprise (I'm in the human service field, it's not that high!).  But all I can think about is how if I was pregnant, this money would be put toward the baby and the baby's future. Now it will probably go towards household items (and savings of course), blah!   I just don't feel as happy about it as I should. The thought of buying anything or even taking a vacation or something just seems so trivial and meaningless. J says I should feel really proud but I don't. I just feel sad and disappointed that there's no baby in my belly and will be none for the forseeable future. That's where I'm at. Still.

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