time

I can't believe it's been almost a month since we lost the baby. On one hand it feels like it happened yesterday and on the other it feels like time is creeping along. Time feels slowest when waiting for my body to get back to 'normal'.  My betas this week were 16, not as low as I had hoped, but declining nonetheless.  I'll do another bloodtest Monday. The doctor said I could just take a pregnancy test~ it should show up as negative if it's down to zero...but I really don't feel comfortable with that for 2 reasons 1) I want to know the exact number (because I'm super anal) and 2) I want to reserve pregnancy tests for when I am actually trying to get pregnant, not getting over a miscarriage : (  

My feelings right now are really mixed between anticipation and fear, anticipation that we're getting closer to being able to TTC again and fear that we'll have a hard time getting pregnant and/or go through another miscarriage. I just can't imagine going through this again. I know so many women in the pregnancy loss community have had more than one miscarriage and they are so strong and resilient, I just don't think I'm cut from that cloth...

This week has been a much better week for J and me, thankfully.  I think part of it has to do with my hormones settling down.  Also, he's been really busy with school work so that's forced me to be busy too (or at least try to busy myself with something, even if it's a 'Teen Mom' marathon!).

I put my story up on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope this week and I emailed an article suggestion to the D&C (ironically, the initials of my local newspaper) regarding October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.  It makes me feel better to be doing something related to our miscarriage, other than crying or yelling...