2 months

Two months have come and gone since we lost our little one. As the holidays get closer, I find that I am more teary again. I know this is completely normal.  I just didn't think I would still be so emotionally affected 2 months later. I mean I didn't birth my baby, I didn't hold him/her, I didn't even select a name. For some reason I feel like those who lost babies later in pregnancy have more of a right and a reason to grieve. My baby hardly even resembled a human 'baby' more like a baby dinosaur. But I did love him/her with all my being. I planned for his/her birth and our lives to come. I was overjoyed having him/her alive inside me and I was crushed when she/he died.

 Justin and I put a bid on a town house the other day. I think this is part of what's been making me emotional. Beyond the stresses of taking the plunge from renting to buying, are the dreams I had for our first home, dreams of setting up a nursery, dreams of bringing our new baby from the hospital to our new home. Now it will just be us, a married couple with no children and a dog. This isn't how I expected or wanted life to be in November 2010. I expected and wanted to be 5 months pregnant.

I signed up for the gift exchange for baby loss mamas on faces of loss I am really looking forward to honoring someone else's baby and maybe making their holiday a little less lonely. Maybe it will make me feel a little less lonely too.

Trying to live life without obsessing over TTC

It's been quite a little while since my last post. Basically there isn't much new info. STILL waiting for my betas to hit zero. They are at 3 this week...good but not zero.  I basically feel like the last 6.5 weeks of my life have been completely consumed with betas and when we can ttc again. I had what I think was a period two weeks ago but my OB isn't so sure, since my betas were at 10 then.  I also got a + opk 3 days ago, which I was ELATED by but then no thermal shift, which has pushed me into the pits again :(  So from all that I've read and googled (which is TONS of info, some reputable, some probably not) it seems like I'm likely not ovulating this month. As far as I know that was never a problem before. We weren't actively ttc when I got pregnant last so although I monitored my bbt's, etc. it was always half-assed. Now I'm a NUT about monitoring every single sign and symptom and J thinks I've nearly lost my mind! I agree! But I'm gonna keep it up. I want to get to know my body more than ever now. I'm just praying I'm not going to encounter any problems with ovulation, etc. I'm praying this month is a fluke-still recovering from the m/c and maybe affected by my betas not being at zero yet (but hopefully they will be soon).

Anywho, I do have moments of sanity, they are moments mind you.  Most of my thoughts are still about babies and getting my body in order. I live for my 4pm OPK and my 7am BBT...who woulda ever thought??! What a strange and mysterious world I've entered. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. That God has a bigger plan for me and that I will be a momma to a living baby someday. If I didn't keep that hope and it didn't propel me forward, well I don't know where I'd be.

pity party

My betas are 10. So disappointing. They're going down so slowly. I can't express how desperately I want to get back to a normal cycle.  Both to put an end to the miscarriage as well as to mark the beginning of the future and of chances for getting pregnant again.  I've been hyprvigilant to every little happening in my body, almost moreso than during the pregnancy, watching and waiting for any signs of ovulation or menstruation... but it's been a big ole NADA as in "nope, nothing, zilch, zero." 

Today is one month. It's no wonder I've been feeling sad and disappointed this week... I've been thinking about the baby more in the past few days, crying on and off again, and feeling incredibly empty and lonely. I really miss being pregnant, knowing life is growing inside of me, life that J and I made and were so in love with. Now, I was physically miserable during weeks 6-12 of my pregnancy, with violent 'morning sickness' that lasted 14 hours a day.  I never thought I would say I 'miss' being pregnant. But as many of us who have lost babies know, we would give anything to have given birth to a healthy infant. Violent puking, check!  My left arm, check!  Laid down my life, double check!  I just miss that baby so bad!  And who knows how long it will be before we can ttc with my body returning to baseline slow as molasses...

I've been obsessed with pregnant women lately. Obsessed as in, I want to look, I want to be happy but all I can think about is how I'm NOT pregnant, how my belly will never reach that roundness, how incredibly envious I am. I've been throwing lots of pity parties for myself.  I wanted to be pregnant at my best friend's wedding next week, pregnant at halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Pregnant when I go to visit my family at New Year's...I wanted to announce my big belly to my parents and give them "I love my grandma" and "I love my grandpa" items. Ugh. Sometims it all just feels like too much.

I got the raise I was hoping for today. It was a lot higher than expected, which was a very pleasant surprise (I'm in the human service field, it's not that high!).  But all I can think about is how if I was pregnant, this money would be put toward the baby and the baby's future. Now it will probably go towards household items (and savings of course), blah!   I just don't feel as happy about it as I should. The thought of buying anything or even taking a vacation or something just seems so trivial and meaningless. J says I should feel really proud but I don't. I just feel sad and disappointed that there's no baby in my belly and will be none for the forseeable future. That's where I'm at. Still.

time

I can't believe it's been almost a month since we lost the baby. On one hand it feels like it happened yesterday and on the other it feels like time is creeping along. Time feels slowest when waiting for my body to get back to 'normal'.  My betas this week were 16, not as low as I had hoped, but declining nonetheless.  I'll do another bloodtest Monday. The doctor said I could just take a pregnancy test~ it should show up as negative if it's down to zero...but I really don't feel comfortable with that for 2 reasons 1) I want to know the exact number (because I'm super anal) and 2) I want to reserve pregnancy tests for when I am actually trying to get pregnant, not getting over a miscarriage : (  

My feelings right now are really mixed between anticipation and fear, anticipation that we're getting closer to being able to TTC again and fear that we'll have a hard time getting pregnant and/or go through another miscarriage. I just can't imagine going through this again. I know so many women in the pregnancy loss community have had more than one miscarriage and they are so strong and resilient, I just don't think I'm cut from that cloth...

This week has been a much better week for J and me, thankfully.  I think part of it has to do with my hormones settling down.  Also, he's been really busy with school work so that's forced me to be busy too (or at least try to busy myself with something, even if it's a 'Teen Mom' marathon!).

I put my story up on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope this week and I emailed an article suggestion to the D&C (ironically, the initials of my local newspaper) regarding October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.  It makes me feel better to be doing something related to our miscarriage, other than crying or yelling...

normalcy

So, the weekend's been long. I usually really really really look forward to and enjoy the weekends but since we lost the baby the more time J and I have spent together, the more we argue...this weekend was no differen, I'm sad to say. We're trying, really we are but right now we're falling into some bad habits. I think we really do need some independent time to just do what each of us needs withoiut pressure to talk. Especially since most of the 'talking' is about heavy stuff these days, or turns that way quickly.  I also know that I've been more anxious/obsessive about EVERYTHING and that wears on him rather quickly...so I'm really trying to not ask the same question 3 times and just quiet the obsessiveness in my brain. 

I had some good news on Friday, after calling for 2.5 days, I finally got my lab results from my doc.  My hcg was 35! Which was down from 73 the week before! Thanks be to God!!! I'm going in either mon or tues this week to check again, I'm hoping for single digits but, we'll see... Also tested negative for autoimmune and thyroid irregularities. So...right now I'm waiting to get back into a (hopefully) normal cycle again.

On a different but related note...I brought up adoption to J this morning.  He's willing to consider it but not until we go a little further on this journey...I think I'm so nervous about another m/c that I feel like I need to puruse other possibilities at the same time. I've always wanted to adopt in addition to having biological children so why put it off?? 

stand still

UGH! The last week or so has been such a waiting game .  So I finally got all my results today. I found out  my hcg is 73, SEVENTY THREE!  And the ultrasound showed nada, no tissue...wtf??!! Sooooo, I'll likely have to have a D & C after all this time, since there's gotta be something in there...even if it's teeny tiny. At this rate, she said if we wait for it to go down on its own, it could take many weeks...no thanks.  Another extremely unsettling discovery is that the lab results from the fetal tissue show NO fetal tissue-that's right folks-in fact their write up states that it was a tubal pregnancy...time for another WTF!!???   My doc is scratching her head as much as I am...we know there was a fetus, we saw it -twice- and heard the heart beat.  There is no possibility it was tubal so where the heck did the fetus go?? Oh it makes me really ill if I think about it too long.  I'm chalking it up to lab error otherwise it would drive me insane.  So now I'm waiting (again) for the results of today's hcg. I also convinced my doc to check my thyroid and ALA d/t family history.  But of course they won't do any real workups unless I have a second m/c.  I got to ask her my extremly long list of questions...which was somewhat helpful but, then again it just increased my, already high, anxiety.

How am I supposed to start to feel better, feel some semblance of normalcy when my life is continually turned upside down. Here I was hoping for a clean bill of health and once again, it's delayed. And, not only that, but there are so many unanswered questions. The major one being, "Why is my body reacting this way? Why why why?? ".

On a lighter/brighter note, I found out i am likely getting a raise at work next month since they did market research and found out some of us are being under paid.  Not that I really care about money right now... I told Justin I am going to put it towards an adoption/fertility fund since the pessimist in me is convinced we have a long hard road ahead of us in trying to conceive and birth a living healthy baby.

Let's see what tomorrow brings...

dragging

Ugh! I was so anxiety ridden this morning that I totally forgot to drink my 36 oz. of h2o before my ultrasound. Does it really matter all that much anyway??    I arrived on time and, just as suspected, had a 20 minute wait with 3 gorgeous pregnant bellies and a HUGE family waiting for the birth of the newest member (was it really necessary for ultrasound to share a waiting room with "labor & delivery"?).  I tried to keep myself busy texting my sweet husband about my agony- "tons of pregs, can't take it, want to die"- was the jist of it. 

So the tech not only found what looked like retained "tissue" or a blood clot in my uterus but also an "abnormal" right ovary. WOW! LUCKY ME! How in the world do I continue to end up in the <4% chance  category?!  The little hope I had of being healthy, of having a healthy next pregnancy/baby, is really starting to dwindle...the odds are just not in my favor. Of coure on top of receiving this news, my doctor is not in until Monday so I won't know what the plan is until then. I did talk to the NP today who basically just confirmed that there was "something" in my uterus (although she did say my ovaries BOTH look normal) and that I may or may not have to do a D&C or induce me again with meds and that my doc will call Monday. WTF! So tired of this. Can they just scan my entire body and find out everything that might be wrong-then systematically test/treat each area. It would be so much nicer to have all the info at once...rather than this roller coaster ride.

 Oh, and drinking all that water pre-u/s~I asked the tech and she said it doesn't matter so much when you're not pregnant b/c they'll always do an internal too.  I will gladly drink Niagara Falls next time I'm pregnant if it'll help. 

transitions

Today was my first day back to work. It was not easy. Not at all. It was so 'not easy' that I didn't make it there until noon, not 8am like I was supposed to. But, I did make it there afterall. I knew it was going to be a BIG hurdle, going back to work.  Not just because of the mental demands of attentiveness, productivity,  and interacting with others on a professional level...but also going somewhere I hadn't been since before. The last time I walked those halls I still held a baby in my belly. The last time I walked those halls I was happy. I would have never guessed my life would be flipped upside down in an instant.  I was just starting to tell all of my co-workes the big news. We were talking baby showers and pediatricians. Justin and I were the couple who was supposed to be happy; newlyweds,  married just 6 short months ago.  Today everyone looked at me with those eyes. Those eyes full of pity, uncertain what to say or do for fear of making me crumble.  Some hugged me, some smiled wearily from 20 feet away, some said nothing at all, pretending I was the exact same person I was a week ago.  I was most thankful for those that said nothing at all. 

I am not the same person. I will never be the same. I will never ever look at a baby the same way I used to. I will never feel the same when I hear the news that someone is pregnant.  I will always think how fragile life is, how fragile happiness is. I will always think of my angel baby.

Part of what makes recovery so difficult is the physical uncertainty I've been dealing with. On Friday my doctor sent me to emergency for the abdominal cramping and soreness I was having.  They assessed me and discharged me with percoset and instructions to call my doc if I get a temp over 100.4. Today, I'm still having cramping so I called the Dr. and asked for an ultrasound...scheduled it for Thurs a.m. I'm hoping everything has passed so I don't need further intervention. I just want to be able to heal. As it is, I'm paranoid that I'm getting an infection. I want tests. sonograms, labs, exams. I want to be told that either there's something wrong with me (that can be fixed) or that I'm perfectly healthy. I don't want to be in this health limbo. I am not a patient person. I can't 'focus on other things'. I need answers and I need them NOW.  But, I will wait. restlessly.

I'm new to this...and I hate it.

I'm new to this. To blogging, to writing about my feelings, to sharing things with an unknown number of people. If you know me, you know I'm shy. I have a select group of friends who REALLY know me. And even they know that sometimes I retreat inside my shell.  I'm new to being a part of the miscarriage/pregnancy loss club. I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I hate being a part of a club that I never even really knew existed. It's a club with a lot of wonderfully kind and compassionate and honest members but I still don't want to be a part of it. I never dreamed I would be a part of it.  Yet here I am, it's newest member; kicking and screaming.

We lost our precious baby on September 13, 2010. One week tomorrow.  I was exactly 13 weeks pregnant. It was a Monday. It was 2pm. There was no heartbeat.  Life will never be the same. I haven't yet been able to go more than an hour without crying, regardless of where I am; home, restaurant, church, doesn't matter. There's never a shortage of tears. There's never a shortage of sadness. I loved that baby, I love that baby. I would have easily and without question given my life so that my baby could live. If only I'd had the option.

Right now, I'm feeling disgust. Disgusted with myself for having felt so unabashedly happy to be pregnant. Disgusted that I could be so naive and selfish as to think that I was immune to devastation. Disgusted with my body for not being able to keep my baby alive. Disgusted with my body for not knowing my baby had died...how could I have been violently ill with morning sickness for 4 weeks after my baby died!?  Disgusted with my doctor for not giving me an ultrasound at 10 weeks when they didn't find a heartbeat on the doppler. Disgusted that I had to carry my dead baby for 4 and a half weeks without knowing it. Disgusted that I had to go through the pains of labor to deliver my lifeless baby and then had to take her remains to the lab, not the grave. Disgusted that right now my husband is watching football instead of crying about our baby like I am.   Disgusted that everyone can go on to live normal lives when my baby is dead.

And yet, despite all the agony, the heartache, the anger, the disgust... I am also so thankful. Thankful that I was given the gift of creating and carrying life, even if for a short while.  Thankful to discover that I can love so profoundly. Thankful to be a mother, even if it is to an angel baby, and to know that motherhood is every bit as wonderful as I imagined. Thankful that I have such an incredibly strong, loving and supportive husband (who also would have been an amazing daddy).  Thankful that I have been blessed with so many loving and caring friends and family who have said and done 'all the right things'. Despite all of my pain, despite suffering an unimaginable loss...I know I am still fortunate.